A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name. He replied, “She is called Five Horses”. The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife, what does it mean?” The Indian answered, “It old Indian Name … It means NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia (which primarily produces wines like Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio) have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More !!! 

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that: North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between   60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week,  (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?” I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?” She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”. I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.” 

I went to the drug store and told the clerk, “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.” Lady Clerk:  “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said “Nah… She’s pretty good  lookin’…..”

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

I was telling a woman in the grocery store about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. “Really” she said, “Go on then… try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born? I said, “Yesterday.”

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in!!

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.” The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?” I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside. “Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “It’s dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.” “I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “It’s dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”