It has often been said that there is too much government in our lives. Politicians have taken it upon themselves to govern just about everything we say or do. In that vein her are some crazy, stupid and funny sex laws that are still on the books and still enforceable. So be aware of what you might be facing the next time you decide to have a sexual encounter.

First we begin with a law that was taken off the books in 2015 in New York City. Until then you could get put in jail for carrying condoms in your pocket, wallet, purse, etc. The city considered it a sign of prostitution and it meant 30 days in jail. Thankfully someone in their right mind took it off the books. However, elsewhere here are some laws that are still enforceable.

In Michigan dirty talk between a man and woman, married or single is illegal. The use of indecent language is a misdemeanor. So don’t dare tell a woman an off color joke in Michigan or you will risk being arrested.

The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld your right to engage in all the consensual anal and oral sex you want. However, the anti-sodomy laws still exist in a dozen states: Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas, and Utah, according to Human Rights Watch. They consider it a detestable crime against nature” and mention it in the same breath as bestiality. So please make sure your blinds are closed, the curtains closed and door locked. We wouldn’t want to see you get arrested.

When it comes to sex toys, some people drive across state lines for fireworks, cheaper booze, and sex toys? In Alabama, it’s illegal to sell “any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” Even crazier: the law isn’t some relic as it was passed in 1998. However, it is no longer a state ban but left up to the various counties and cities to enact that law. Fortunately they can’t do anything about online adult shopping.

Did you know that in Arizona it is illegal to have more than 2 dildos or vibrators in your home? So if you have more you are breaking the law. I’m sure glad we don’t live in Arizona they would really be after us! However in Texas you can own up to six dildos or vibrators before breaking the law. Nope, we can’t move to Texas either we’d get in trouble there too!

In Walnut, California no man is allowed to dress as a woman without the written permission of the sheriff. I bet that place is packed around Halloween. Have to wonder how the LBGT people feel about that.

I’m still trying to figure this one out. In Kansas performing oral sex is illegal, but anal penetration with a finger is allowed under specified circumstances. Just what are those special circumstances? These are your lawmakers hard at work folks!

In Oklahoma a married woman is not allowed to sit on the lap of another gentleman unless there is a cushion or pillow between them. That is also a misdemeanor. Always wondered why homes in Oklahoma had so many pillows and cushions. Now we know.

Utah, the home of those good and clean living (chuckle, chuckle) Mormons. It is also the state where male and females watch internet porn more than any other state. So these laws are no surprise. It’s illegal to marry your first cousin before the age of 65 — or 55 if you can prove both parties are infertile…….In Salt Lake City an adult cannot show sex paraphernalia to a minor, unless it is their own child.

There you have some of the crazy laws that are still on the books around the country in 2017 and probably will still be there in 2027! Believe me when I tell you these few only scratch the surface, as there are hundreds more that cover every aspect of sex and intimacy you can think of. In many cases these various laws are not just geared to single men and women but to married couples as well. So if you thought all the talk about government being in our bedroom was just some kind of joke, it really isn’t.

I’m going to end this feature with this last one. While most would argue that this is the place where the people get screwed in many different ways, in Washington, D.C., engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal and gets jail time. Now go ahead and make up your own jokes!

Art Koch, National Features & DVD Editor NightMoves Magazine and AAN

Some info for this feature courtesy of Alternet, Huffington Post and Men’s Health