There was an Irish wedding reception. After the dinner was finished the D.J. said, “Would all the married men here please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”…………….The bartender was almost crushed to death.

                                 ******************************

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn’t understand. He is so in to his cars and said, “That I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe.”

                              ********************************

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’

                            **********************************

Two blonde guys were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The blonde hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”

                          *******************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

                             *******************************

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.’

                               ********************************