Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”

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The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other, and one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt”?, So they let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas Highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box, a 9mm Glock in the center console and a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a damn thing sir.”

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A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, “Please let me go. I’ll grant you any wish you desire.” The man said, “Okay, I wish my dick could touch the ground.” So … the crocodile bit his legs off!

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While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”

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Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘Washing Machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing Machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a sore head.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing Machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”