Occasionally, I have had friends in town, and in the interests of being a good host, I have taken them where they’d like to go. At times, these places have included strip clubs.

That’s the only reason I was there, I swear. And I don’t know how Cinnamon knew my name.

All the same, any time I’ve been to a strip club, I’ve been fairly appalled at some of the behavior I’ve witnessed. Guys, I know you’re going there to blow off steam and have a little naked-lady fun, but that doesn’t make it a free-for-all. There are rules.

So, in the interest of posterity, I’ve compiled a list of basic do’s and don’ts for strip club patrons. Pay attention to these rules, and maybe you can actually have some fun in the Champagne Room (note: you will not be having sex in the Champagne Room).

DO: DRESS ACCORDINGLY

Going to a strip club is like going on the greatest blind date ever, where all the girl wants to do is take her clothes off and show you her fantastic, flexible body. How would you dress for such a magical blind date? That’s right, you wouldn’t wear greasy sweat pants and a stained wife beater.

At the very least, wear nice jeans and a shirt with buttons. Nicer is better, and a suit will probably get you more attention, but at least observe the bare minimum.  (note: Extra-Small Affliction T-Shirts are not dressing up) Oh, and if you want hot naked ladies to slide up and down your body all night, maybe take a shower? And before you ask, no, Axe Body Spray is not a shower substitute.

DON’T: TREAT THEM LIKE YOUR PERSONAL SEX BARBIES

Yes, they’re taking clothes off for money. Yes, some of them may use drugs, and some may have been paid for sex at some point. This does not entitle you to treat them like dirt, or to touch them wherever or however you please.

First off, call them “dancers” or, even better, “ladies.” They know how most people feel about strippers, and they don’t need you using a derogatory expression right in their face.

Also, don’t touch them without permission. Permission would be defined as them telling you to do it, not looking at you in a way that lets you know they want it. The latter is actually permission for a bouncer to strip your face off.

DO: TIP

And not just the dancers. If you slip the bouncer a little something when you walk in, you can get better service all around, and he may even pull his punches a little when you give him reason to pummel you later. Also, the DJ has more power in a strip club than you know; it’s nice when he likes you.

But definitely tip the dancers. If you can’t afford to make it rain, at least keep a steady stream of singles coming. If you can’t afford to tip them, you can’t afford to go to the strip club in the first place.

DON’T: SIT NEXT TO THE STAGE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TIP

Hey, that’s a great seat, isn’t it? I mean, she’s right there! And her boobies are out! 

Yeah, it is a great seat, actually. And like all great seats, you need to pay for it. Tip if you sit there, or go to the back of the line.

Oh, and I can’t believe I have to say this, but apparently I do: don’t throw coins at them. They’re doing the Lord’s work, and there’s a special place in Hell for people who mistreat God’s creatures. It’s in the Bible. Probably.

DO: GO TO A STRIP CLUB

Are you kidding me? They’re amazing. There are naked girls there! What are you waiting for?

Just behave yourself.