A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea”, she replied, “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married”. “Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied, “Get your own fucking blanket!”
Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Vern! How ya doing?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Vern. “He’s in my bowling league…” When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “Oh, she’s the waitress from the golf club I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says…”Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book … The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.”
Harry stopped by the funeral parlor to see his friend Joe and found the embalmer at work on a corpse with a gigantic penis. The man’s apparatus was so spectacular that Harry blurted out, “I’d love to have that cock!” Joe said, “You might as well, this guy doesn’t need it”, and he proceeded to cut the organ off and hand it to over. Harry wrapped it up carefully and took it home where his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Deciding to have a little fun, he unwrapped the package, stuck the penis between his legs and rushed into the kitchen shouting, “Look, honey, look”! His wife took one look and screamed, “Oh no, what happened to Tommy!”
A little girl walked into the bathroom, saw her father in the shower and ran to her Mother screaming, “Mommy, Mommy … Daddy has a big ugly worm hanging between his legs!” Her Mother said reassuringly, “That’s part of your Dad’s body and a very important part. If your Daddy didn’t have one of those, you wouldn’t be here”.
After a long pause the woman added … “neither would I.”
The gynecologist stuck up his head after completing his examination, “I’m sorry, Miss but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy and delicate operation.” The woman sighed and said, “I don’t think I can afford that … why don’t you just replace the batteries.”